OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
