Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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