proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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