life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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