Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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