peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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