Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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