it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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