2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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