I wish my penis had an off switch
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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