In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
