I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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