I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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