nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I have fence marks all over my body
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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