you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
