Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
