Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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