There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
