Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
