I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
