I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
