Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
