before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
