mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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