I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
