He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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