is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
