How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
