Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
