Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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