I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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