two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I feel like death gave me a hand job
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
