and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
