I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
