I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
