I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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