I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
