So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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