I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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