my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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