Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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