my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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