Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Moan for me like Helen Keller
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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