I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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