i was born a porn star she said
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
