I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
