I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
