Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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