So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
