she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
